12-27-2013

I’m worst today. I got out to chuck e cheeses with the kids. But came home and just want to lay in bed. But I get yelled at bc I have no motivation to make dinner. My husband is 34 years old he can make himself dinner.  I’m sorry its not my fault. It’s gotten worst this year and my husband makes it worst. I do the bear minimum for my kids and its NOT FAIR to them. In the long run they are the losers. With the constant fighting with my husband bc he doesn’t understand. I’ve reached out to my doc twice. I’m not doing well on one med. (Seroquel) I apparently need more. I want to do more. But there’s no motivation.  I used to do so much with my daughter. I used to take daily showers. I used to do so much. I even had an eBay account I kept up with. (Ive done sewing and put it up for sale.) I loved sewing. I made my prom gown I didn’t have the best life growing up but I always still tried to make the best of it. Now I’m not so sure where to go. My daughter starts kindergarten next school year. If I’m not straightened up I’m not gonna be able to drive her like I want to. (i hate school buses and how the overload them here) I need help and soon.

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12-26-2013

I’m Still so tired today. But I want to go.out.  no one is answering my texts or calls. I think everyone is avoiding me bc of my dark cloud.  I need some company. My husband is sleeping upstairs and the kids are playing around me. But I still feel so alone. I feel I just want to run. But I know what ill leave behind. My kids and I know thats what keeps me here. But shouldnt life be more?

Thanks
Christina.

12-25-2013

I had a late start to the morning. I think my kids love their gifts. They were happy.

Me. I loved their happiness and thankfullness. But once every one was done with the presents I went back to bed.

I have reached out to my Dr. And she only said its bc of the weather. Sleeping more then 14 hours a day is not normal. I’m getting frustrated.

I’ll call mh/mr/ei in the morning see if they can help me with a shrink or someone to reach down deep and learn why I am they way I am. The Shink may need a shrink after he’s done with me. 😦

Thanks for reading
Christina.

12-24-2013

Slept for most of the day. But still surrounded myself with family. Baked some cookies and made some fudge mice. I only pray tommorrow morning.with my children I find light. I hope to wake up and not miss christmas.

Merry.christmas!!
Christina

12-23-2013 part deux

After yesterday’s mini meltdown I fell better. Surrounded my self with family all day. I am truly blessed. 🙂 don’t have much to say.

Also. Check out weatherthestormbp.com/posts

Kait followed me yesterday after my meltdown and she has some good posts about bipolar. 🙂

Thanks for reading
Christina

12-23-2013

Minor breakdown. I was diagnosed bipolar in September of this year. It’s been a long hard road leading up to my diagnosis. And recently I’ve been more and more down as Christmas approachs. My Dr blames my depression on the season. When deep down its something else. I always get very down and anxious around this time of year. As a child my mother abused me. So any break from school I was fearful of. Because that meant more beatings for me. By high school. It got to the point I’d stand in the corner from the time I got home til the time my mother thought it was a good time for her to go to bed. (imagine a high schooler in the corner) I only lived there til I was 14 and I was thrown out to the streets. Anyway back to why Christmas triggers me. Up until before I was kicked out I wasn’t allowed to have any contact with my siblings. I wasn’t allowed to talk or look at them. So I was not part of the family. And Christmas was no different. I opened what was given to me then (when my dad was home I lived in the unfinished basement which was my room.) Down to the basement I went.  After I was kicked out I lived on the streets for a few weeks before my aunt came and picked me up. And took me to their home and I went to school and lived with them. My aunt was unmedicated bipolar just as my mother was.  But my aunt emotionally abused me so it was the same cycle all over again. Even tho my uncle told me to be part of the family and do things with the family I never felt part of the family.  So I talked to my adoptive mom about all this. And I know she will lead me down the right path and help me get the help I need. For she’s also bipolar but medicated. She has her ups and downs and she calls me just to vent.  She made good sense. I have two children  a boy named Adam, 1 and a girl named Julia, 5 in Jan. She made perfect sense. Once I see my children open their gifts my mind will switch over and share in their joy. All the reason I went to my Dr and received help was because of them. And I know my children will be my joy this christmas. So. I’ll be ok once Christmas comes. And I can’t wait to see their faces when they open their gifts. 😀
Thanks for reading,
Christina.

12-22-2013

I’m struggling with a lot. Especially now with Christmas around the corner. My main thing is where’s my happy ending? I don’t foresee my husband and I staying together. Him and I are not as close as we were before kids. When we used to stay up late and just cuddle. But I can still say I’m still in love with my ex. I want to be with him. But with two kids its hard to pack up and just leave as I could 7 years ago. Brad was my happy ending and I couldnt see it then. I’m not sure what to do. I’m sad. And I can’t make up my mind and do what I so want to do. *sigh*